A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’ He turned to the second, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with […]
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. — John Adams 2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the […]
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX! 1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you […]
Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and […]
Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life. “I […]
The Italian Funeral Dog An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was […]
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise […]
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’. The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.’ ‘And who was the girl you were with?’ ‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’. “Well, Joey, I’m […]
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned […]
Jane and Mary are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoking their favourite Camel cigarettes, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Mary : What in the hell is that? […]
Biology Test Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect […]
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a […]
Two Cows – Agriculture with a political spin ! Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. Communism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. Fascism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. […]
The Dilema is Solved ! Have you ever wondered how a woman’s brain works? Well, it’s finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration: Every one of those little balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision to make, or a problem that needs to […]
New broom? If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a […]
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he […]
Wisdom in Phrases Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the […]
And in the beginning……….. God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.” Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?” God said, “Go down into that valley.” Adam said, “What’s a valley?” God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the […]
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants […]
The Hotel Bill A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. […]
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and Iran therefore they have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” […]
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook […]
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided […]
This is my neighbor: She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door… I […]
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE : Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW […]
Speech Tests Repeat in English ! “Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch ?” Repeat in English ! “Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches.” “Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch ?”
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there….” As he pointed out the location. The DEA officer […]
Man of the house A husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am […]
Lipstick in School According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press […]
Bless her little heart…..How sweet……..The secret to long life… A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:, She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy […]
Getting Married Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Stockport, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind […]
Husband says to wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived … I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” Wife says, “Why not wear Silver and come second for a change.”
VENGEANCE NUMERO 1 Aujourd’hui ma fille va avoir 18 ANS … et je suis très content, parce que c’est le dernier paiement de pension alimentaire que je vais donner. J’ai donc appelé ma fille pour qu’elle vienne chez moi et à son arrivée je lui ai dit : – Ma petite fille, je […]
Lost my job with the Samaritans I don’t know why I was just sacked from my job with the Samaritans; they wouldn’t talk to me about it. A guy called, phoned and said, “I’m Abdul Mohammed: and I’m going to kill myself. I’m lying on the railway track now waiting […]
The Man Rules We always hear “the rules“ From the female side…. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 “ ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work […]
When U Black, U Black When I was born, I was BLACK, When I grew up, I was BLACK, When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK, When I got cold, I was BLACK, When I was scared, I was BLACK, When I was sick, I was BLACK, And […]
Devinettes : Quelle est la puissance d’un coton-tige ? R : 2 ouates. Que s’est-il passé en 1111 ? R : L’invasion des Huns Qu’est-ce qui fait 30 cm et qui est blanc ? R : Rien, tout le monde sait que si ça fait 30 cm, c’est noir. Quelle […]
The Amazing Human Body It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a […]
Marital Compromise! A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk and talk […]
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see […]
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “do you want the winner of the next race?” Paddy replies “no tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.” Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick “What if […]