Grandpa’s audit

grandpaTHE TAX MAN CALLS.

The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’

The taxman thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’, Grandpa asks? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman’s desk.

The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’, the taxman asks.

‘Not really,’ says the accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’


Don’t Mess with Old People . . . .

We may be old, but we are not stupid!

Irish Divorce

paddyThe mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
 

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation … she never got your e-mail!”

c’est dit avec élégance

eleganceUn homme d’affaires fait la rencontre d’une très belle femme…
Après quelques heures, ils conviennent de passer la nuit ensemble moyennant un montant de 500 euros que Monsieur versera à Madame.
 
Au petit matin, l’homme d’affaires dit à la très belle femme qu’il n’a pas d’argent sur lui mais que sa secrétaire lui enverra un chèque de 500 euros au motif de “location de logement”.
Sur le chemin du retour, l’homme d’affaires regrette et estime que cela ne valait finalement pas autant.
Lorsqu’il arrive à son bureau, il demande donc à sa secrétaire d’envoyer un chèque de 250 euros à la dame avec le message suivant :
” Madame, veuillez trouver ci-joint un chèque de 250 euros pour la location de votre appartement. 
Je n’ai pas envoyé le montant convenu parce qu’en louant votre logement je croyais qu’il n’avait jamais été occupé, qu’il était beaucoup plus chaud et qu’il était assez petit pour m’y sentir chez moi. 
Malheureusement, j’ai découvert qu’il avait déjà été souvent occupé, qu’il était difficile à chauffer et qu’il était trop grand.

A la réception de cette note, la dame lui renvoya le chèque avec le message suivant :
” Cher Monsieur, comment avez-vous pu penser qu’un si bel appartement ait pu rester vacant jusqu’à votre arrivée ?
En ce qui concerne le chauffage, il n’en manque pas, en plus il suffisait simplement de l’allumer. 
Enfin, pour ce qui est de l’espace loué, je vous assure qu’il n’est pas plus grand qu’ailleurs : ne blâmez donc pas la propriétaire si vous n’avez pas assez de mobilier pour le remplir convenablement “.

A Scottish love story

scotA young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, ‘my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.’ “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

Pets

dogThe Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

littledog

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
cat

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

happydog

And Cat . . .

lazycat

didn’t give a s**t one way or the other.

some statements

lostmind1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol.

3. I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”

5. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

7. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

10. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”

18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

21. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

27. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just go chunky dunking.”

29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?

31. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

32. Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

33. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

34. Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher–and since it’s in English, thank a soldier”

Punography

punicious-punography
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Boxers like good jokes because of their punch lines.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.

I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.

Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?

When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.

Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.

As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.

I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.

There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.

There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.

I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.

I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.

What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.

I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.

I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.

I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!

If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.

If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.

I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.

I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.

Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.

My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.

I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.

I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.

The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.

I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.

Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.

I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.

I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.

I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

 

women


WOMEN’S REVENGE
 

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.    
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.  
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN  
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)  
I know I’m not going to understand women.    
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,  
and still be afraid of a spider  

WIFE VS. HUSBAND  

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..    
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,  
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’  
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS  

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.  
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.    
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION  


A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be  
so stupid and so beautiful all at   the same time.  
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me   stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT  

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.  
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’  
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .   ‘HEBREWS’

 

The Silent Treatment  

A man and his wife were having some problems at home  
and were giving each other the silent treatment.      
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him  
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight  
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM .’   He left it where he knew she would find it.  
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM   and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and   see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,  
when he noticed a piece of paper by   the bed.  
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM . Wake up..’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a    
rough draft before the masterpiece