Got to love older people!
While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you were better looking it would lift itself.”
A young man named Stan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
Stan tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, Stan was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. Stan shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
Stan, in desperate ion, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Stan quickly opened the door to the
freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Stan’s outstretched arms and
said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”
Stan was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu All winter.’
FOR ALL YOU SMART PEOPLE
|New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ….
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry; do you still want it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.
I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head…….”No.” He Said. “They’ve all gone to the funeral.”
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
So my friends, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
Forward this onto your friends today and let them know you’ve been thinking about them!
Have A Great Day