1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol.
3. I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
5. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
7. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?
10. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”
18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
21. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
27. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
28. When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just go chunky dunking.”
29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.
30. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?
31. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
32. Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
33. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
34. Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher–and since it’s in English, thank a soldier”