I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope there’s no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Boxers like good jokes because of their punch lines.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.
If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.
Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?
When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.
Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.
As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.
I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.
I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.
There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.
There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.
I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.
I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.
What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.
I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.
I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.
I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!
If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.
If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.
I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.
I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.
Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.
My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.
I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.
I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.
People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.
Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.
I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.
The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.
I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.
Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.
I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.
I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
