The Difference

thedifferenceThe Difference

Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls (As in “that guy really has guts” or “he really has balls”)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the  difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a  night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the  Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night  out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,  slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome……………

 

Both result in death.

Courtes et ignobles

mustachUne nana très laide et très méchante fait ses courses chez Carrefour avec ses 2 gamins super laids et très méchants !

A la caisse, l’hôtesse lui dit :
– “Bonjour madame, charmants vos enfants, ce sont des jumeaux ?”
Très irritée la dame répond :
– “Connasse y en a un qui a 7 ans et l’autre 5. Comment peuvent-ils être jumeaux, grosse conne ?
L’hôtesse répond :
– “Je ne suis pas conne, j’ai juste du mal à croire qu’on ait pu vous baiser 2 fois …

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Après 50 ans de mariage, monsieur meurt .. Quelques temps plus tard, madame s’en va à son tour.
Au ciel, elle retrouve son mari et court vers lui en disant :
– “Mon chéri, que c’est bon de te revoir “.
Il lui répond :
– “Ne m’énerve pas Monique, le curé avait été très clair : “Jusqu’à ce que la mort vous sépare” !
Maintenant je suis libre, alors casse-toi… !

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Une femme demande à son mari :

– Tu ferais quoi si je t’annonçais que j’ai gagné au loto ……??
Son mari lui dit :

– Je prendrai la moitié de tes gains et je te quitterais   ahahahaaah . !!
La femme lui dit :
– bah j’ai gagné 10EUR, tiens voilà 5EUR, dégage…!

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Une femme regarde les résultats du loto et s’aperçoit qu’elle a les 6 bons numéros. Bingo !!!!!!
Folle de joie, elle crie par la fenêtre à son mari qui est de l’autre coté de la route :

– “Chéri grouille-toi on a gagné au loto”
L’homme saute de joie, traverse la route, un camion passe et l’écrase.
La femme:

– Oh putain !!!! Quand la journée est bonne, elle est bonne !!!!

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Pourquoi le dictionnaire s’appelle-t-il “Larousse” ?
Parce que s’il s’appelait “La Blonde”, il n’aurait que deux pages !

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Un fils à sa mère :
– Maman !
– Oui chéri ?
– Qui a acheté les fauteuils ?
– C’est ton oncle.
– Et la télé ?
– C’est mon ami de Paris.
– Et le tapis ?
– Un cousin.
– La voiture quand même c’est papa ?
– Non mon chéri c’est mon parrain.
– Donc mon père n’a rien acheté dans cette maison ?
– Mon fils si je voulais compter sur ton père, toi-même tu ne serais pas encore né…

Dis merci au voisin.

My Final Will !!!

I was sitting at the computer the other day and called out to my wife,

“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!”

will

she shouted back: “YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !!!”

The Love Dress

LoveDressA woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
 

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
 

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law answered.
 
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in- law explained.

 “Love dress? But you’re naked!”

 “Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
 
The mother-in-law left.
 
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
 
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
 
“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress.” she whispered sensually.
 
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

TEN BEST CADDY REMARKS

caddyTEN BEST CADDY REMARKS

#10
Golfer: “ThinkI’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

#9
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes , you miss the ball much closer now.”

#7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

#6
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so . That would be too much of a Coincidence.”

#5
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

#4
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good , but personally, I prefer golf.”

#3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

#2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir..”

And the old favorite…..

The Golfer has been slicing off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems. The caddy replies: “There’s a piece of shit on the end of your club “.
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says:
“No, the other end!”

Grandpa’s audit

grandpaTHE TAX MAN CALLS.

The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’

The taxman thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The taxman’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the taxman can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye.

The stunned taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’, Grandpa asks? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the taxman’s desk.

The taxman leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’, the taxman asks.

‘Not really,’ says the accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’


Don’t Mess with Old People . . . .

We may be old, but we are not stupid!

Irish Divorce

paddyThe mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
 

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation … she never got your e-mail!”

c’est dit avec élégance

eleganceUn homme d’affaires fait la rencontre d’une très belle femme…
Après quelques heures, ils conviennent de passer la nuit ensemble moyennant un montant de 500 euros que Monsieur versera à Madame.
 
Au petit matin, l’homme d’affaires dit à la très belle femme qu’il n’a pas d’argent sur lui mais que sa secrétaire lui enverra un chèque de 500 euros au motif de “location de logement”.
Sur le chemin du retour, l’homme d’affaires regrette et estime que cela ne valait finalement pas autant.
Lorsqu’il arrive à son bureau, il demande donc à sa secrétaire d’envoyer un chèque de 250 euros à la dame avec le message suivant :
” Madame, veuillez trouver ci-joint un chèque de 250 euros pour la location de votre appartement. 
Je n’ai pas envoyé le montant convenu parce qu’en louant votre logement je croyais qu’il n’avait jamais été occupé, qu’il était beaucoup plus chaud et qu’il était assez petit pour m’y sentir chez moi. 
Malheureusement, j’ai découvert qu’il avait déjà été souvent occupé, qu’il était difficile à chauffer et qu’il était trop grand.

A la réception de cette note, la dame lui renvoya le chèque avec le message suivant :
” Cher Monsieur, comment avez-vous pu penser qu’un si bel appartement ait pu rester vacant jusqu’à votre arrivée ?
En ce qui concerne le chauffage, il n’en manque pas, en plus il suffisait simplement de l’allumer. 
Enfin, pour ce qui est de l’espace loué, je vous assure qu’il n’est pas plus grand qu’ailleurs : ne blâmez donc pas la propriétaire si vous n’avez pas assez de mobilier pour le remplir convenablement “.