(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

Irish Furniture Dealer

Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn’t understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of bitter.After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood…..big, stately residences…       no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all… NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to find a place, after all those pints of bitter.He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, “Excuse me, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the bobby…”Just follow me”.

He leads him to a back “delivery alley”, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the bobby. “Fire away sir, anywhere you want.”

The tourist enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.      Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,”That was really decent of you… is that what you call ‘English Hospitality’?”

“No, sir” replies the bobby, “that is what we call the French Embassy.

Senior Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.  She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times…

When she is about to hand him another batch again ….he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’.

‘We can’t chew them because we’ve got no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied, ‘We just love to suck the chocolate off them.’

It pays to be careful around old people !!!!

Straw hat

Got to love older people!

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

The Bad Parrott!

A young man named Stan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with

Stan tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, Stan was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. Stan shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
Stan, in desperate ion, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. 
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Stan quickly opened the door to the
freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Stan’s outstretched arms and
said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

Stan was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

“May I ask what the turkey did?” 

Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. 

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu All winter.’


For All You Smart People


New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 
7) What was King George VI’s first name? 
8) What colour is a purple finch? 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. 

Check your answers below ….


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats?   Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  November 

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?   Dogs 

7) What was King George VI’s first name?  Albert  

8) What colour is a purple finch?  Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?   Orange 


What do you mean, you failed?  Me, too!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!) 

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1.     I prefer breasts to legs
2.     Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3.     Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4.     If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5.     I’ve never seen a better spread!
6.     I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7.     Are you ready for seconds yet?
8.     It’s a little dry; do you still want it?
9.     Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10.   Don’t play with your meat.
11.    Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12.   Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13.   I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14.   You still have a little bit on your chin.
15.   How long will it take after you put it in?
16.   You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17.   Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18.   That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19.   I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20.   Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more!
21.   I do like a good stuffing.


Loving Husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.

I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head…….”No.” He Said. “They’ve all gone to the funeral.”


Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So my friends, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Forward this onto your friends today and let them know you’ve been thinking about them!

Have A Great Day