Biology Test Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect […]
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a […]
Two Cows – Agriculture with a political spin ! Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. Communism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. Fascism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. […]
New broom? If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a […]
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he […]
Wisdom in Phrases Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the […]
And in the beginning……….. God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.” Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?” God said, “Go down into that valley.” Adam said, “What’s a valley?” God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the […]
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants […]
The Hotel Bill A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. […]
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and Iran therefore they have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” […]
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook […]
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided […]
This is my neighbor: She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door… I […]
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE : Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW […]
Speech Tests Repeat in English ! “Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch ?” Repeat in English ! “Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches.” “Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch ?”
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there….” As he pointed out the location. The DEA officer […]
Man of the house A husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am […]
Lipstick in School According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press […]
Bless her little heart…..How sweet……..The secret to long life… A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:, She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy […]
Getting Married Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Stockport, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind […]
Husband says to wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived … I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” Wife says, “Why not wear Silver and come second for a change.”
VENGEANCE NUMERO 1 Aujourd’hui ma fille va avoir 18 ANS … et je suis très content, parce que c’est le dernier paiement de pension alimentaire que je vais donner. J’ai donc appelé ma fille pour qu’elle vienne chez moi et à son arrivée je lui ai dit : – Ma petite fille, je […]
Lost my job with the Samaritans I don’t know why I was just sacked from my job with the Samaritans; they wouldn’t talk to me about it. A guy called, phoned and said, “I’m Abdul Mohammed: and I’m going to kill myself. I’m lying on the railway track now waiting […]
The Man Rules We always hear “the rules“ From the female side…. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 “ ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work […]
When U Black, U Black When I was born, I was BLACK, When I grew up, I was BLACK, When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK, When I got cold, I was BLACK, When I was scared, I was BLACK, When I was sick, I was BLACK, And […]
Devinettes : Quelle est la puissance d’un coton-tige ? R : 2 ouates. Que s’est-il passé en 1111 ? R : L’invasion des Huns Qu’est-ce qui fait 30 cm et qui est blanc ? R : Rien, tout le monde sait que si ça fait 30 cm, c’est noir. Quelle […]
The Amazing Human Body It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a […]
Marital Compromise! A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk and talk […]
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see […]
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “do you want the winner of the next race?” Paddy replies “no tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.” Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick “What if […]
Pour une vie professionnelle réussie, méditez ces 4 leçons sur : Communication – Procédures – Hiérarchie – Gestion des affaires 1°) Communication: Un homme entre dans la douche au moment précis où sa femme en sort, lorsque la sonnerie retentit à la porte de leur maison. La femme s’enroule dans une […]
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, “That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary.” Somewhat taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money. “Well, we try to stay […]
Children Are Quick ____________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: […]
The Italian Wedding Test I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very […]
The Hair Cut … A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, […]
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still […]
Irish Furniture Dealer. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell […]
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of bitter.After a while, he […]
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and […]
Got to love older people! While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your […]
A young man named Stan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Stan tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite […]
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties, and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat […]
FOR ALL YOU SMART PEOPLE New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. (Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) […]
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you […]