Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Grandpa’s audit

THE TAX MAN CALLS. The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office. The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant. The taxman said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not […]

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Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.   “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. “What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home […]

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c’est dit avec élégance

Un homme d’affaires fait la rencontre d’une très belle femme… Après quelques heures, ils conviennent de passer la nuit ensemble moyennant un montant de 500 euros que Monsieur versera à Madame.   Au petit matin, l’homme d’affaires dit à la très belle femme qu’il n’a pas d’argent sur lui mais que sa secrétaire lui enverra […]

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A Scottish love story

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.” […]

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Pets

The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’ And God said, I will create a […]

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some statements

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol. 3. I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. […]

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Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. […]

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women

WOMEN’S REVENGE   ‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.     ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.   ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband […]

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Love and the Elderly

LOVE AND THE ELDERLY   LOVE……has no boundaries. An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.   One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to… send […]

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Revenge of the Blonde

A blonde MAN is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do…. it’s for dry hair, and   I’ve just wet mine.” —————————— A blonde MAN goes to the vet with his goldfish.  “I think it’s got  epilepsy,” he tells the […]

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Certainties

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow  and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.. “May I help you sir?” she asked .. “I want to see Valerie,” the man replied .. “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, […]

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Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing […]

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